It's not about that
I walked into a shop today, a place where I worked several years ago, the place I fantasize as my backup escape plan to try to go back to if I decide to bail out on being a full time artist.
Did you read the blog I wrote called "anticipating nostalgia"? It speaks to what I did with this job. Remembered only the best parts. The fun parts.
Six feet in the door, the smells hit my nostrils. Good smells, but oh my, smells that triggered memories. Going home at the end of a shift with those lovely smells in my hair, and my clothes, feeling absolutely exhausted. The summer of five jobs found me with an enforced nap every Sunday after church for two hours. And sick by the end of the summer.
I know no job is perfect. Every job has its down sides. Yes, even art. I chuckle when people say to me, "oh, it must be fun doing something you love!" and yes it is, but honestly being a full time artist has its own share of challenges. It's not all painting time at the easel. There's bookkeeping. And marketing. And bank deposits (yay!) and taxes and, and, and...
You might be wondering why I even question it. Or more importantly why I feel the need to share it here. And I suppose it may simply be because it's what is on my mind right now, and it's 8:19 pm and I need to write something, and my part time church job (I do have one small other job in addition to Mimi's Art) took three unanticipated hours of my time today and I am absolutely committed to writing a blog post every day! (haha - run on sentences - sometimes they feel soooo good to write!) In truth, I do love all aspects of my work as owner and artist at Mimi's Art. Yes, even the bookkeeping. And paying taxes (a wise entrepreneur friend taught me that years ago to be grateful when I pay my taxes, because if I'm paying them, it means I'm earning money!)
It's not about that. It is, plain and simple, the unpredictability of cash flow, which hits especially hard at this time of the end of winter on Cape Cod. I'm grateful I've learned to live frugally, driving my car with 205,000 miles on it (secretly hoping someone will gift a car to me because the prices right now of used cars - oh dear!) or considering a $2.50 Dairy Queen cone a treat. Yes, I could take an hourly gig as I have in the past (one year I juggled 5 multiple part time jobs, including the one I flash-backed into today). But it's not about that.
For my friends who do not share my faith, how do I best explain this...
Doing Mimi's Art as my full time work isn't a decision I made on a whim of wanting to be happy. Sure, I enjoy it. And feel blessed and grateful for the work it offers to me. If I simply wanted to 'be happy' I'd take that hourly gig with a dependable income and less money stress in my life.
What is is about, for me, is calling. Using my gifts. And listening to God's direction after a whole lot of prayer. For right now, that's art and writing. It could change as soon as tomorrow. And I guess the real reason I needed to write this was simply to remind myself. So thank you for listening.
For now, I am trusting God to guide me, and doing my best to listen. That's the guiding force, and my why, behind this #artistsreallife.
ps - the painting for today - an abstract I painted a couple years ago - I simply love the colors at play! Sometimes THAT feels so good to create!